Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Stripping Down

It's amazing how miracles happen, how God's love rolls over me again and again. In the little moments it washes over me, I find new pieces all over.
It's been almost 7 months since I went off all of my medications. Most of the time my life is moving along and I don't even notice the changes, but then something happens. Last month my moment came when I went to the Mops group I had attended prior to getting sick. I wasn't nervous at all getting prepared to go or driving there. Hhmmmm...that's different. Then I walked in. I wasn't sure what to do with myself because none of the normal feelings came. There wasn't any belittling chatter going on in my head. It was just me. Freedom. I just kept tearing up from the joy of it all. Just being able to walk into a group and be there. Being able to speak to friends without fear or anxiety attacking me was awesome.
For the first time in many years I'm enjoying autumn. For many years I would start to get depressed in late June, anticipating winter. I know that's silly, depressed in June because winter is coming?? Once we'd have that longest day of the year I knew every day forward would be shorter, eventually leading to cold and dark days. By the time the leaves started to turn there was nothing left to be happy about. This year I assumed I'd feel the same way, but it didn't happen. The days are shorter already, the sun sets more than 2 hours earlier already, and there is no depression. I'm actually anticipating the season changing. What? Me? Who am I?
I know this sounds silly to some people. Unless you've walked under that kind of darkness I suppose it may be hard to understand. I just know how thankful I am for the freedom I've been given. I suppose in some ways it's like the blind man in the Bible being given his sight, like the crippled guy being able to walk. I can do things I didn't even know were possible, things I didn't even know I was missing out on. I didn't even know how handicapped I was until Jesus stepped in and healed me.
I want to share something I posted on my blog when I was still sick.

I know you're there,
but many of my days are filled with black.
I know you're there,
Even when I can't make sense of the persistent
pain that invades my every pore.
I know you're there,
When I feel like dying, my life seems so pointless and void.
I know you're there,
When I even question your love and wonder why you
are letting me be trampled by my own mind.
I know you're there when I feel your presence wrapped
around me as I cry through the confusion.
I know you're there, you're holding me tightly and
sharing each tear.
I know you're there,
Even when I don't understand your purpose for
allowing the pain and emptiness to swallow me.

It's hard to read that, I remember that place. I'm glad I kept a journal of it all so I never forget and I can always remember what God did in me. I know even more now that he really was there, I also know his purpose, well, part of it at least. God has shown his power, love and glory in healing me. I knew then that he was there, he heard every cry out of my heart. He healed me.

What is he waiting to do for you? Ask him.

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