Saturday, December 15, 2012

Bound by Freedom

I have been sitting around watching the news this weekend about the shooting in Connecticut. I can't imagine, as a mom, the pain those families are going through.
One troubling thing being talked about is that the shooter was said to be mentally ill. It seems like most of the mass shooting have had a perpetrator who was suffering from some sort of mental troubles.
As someone who is "mentally ill" I am offended by the demonizing of mental illness. I do not think it is fair to group mentally ill people all together. The people who commit these type of acts are a tiny percentage of the mentally ill.
It is wrong and unfair to start grouping people together by their race/color, their religion or medical conditions. When the terrorists attacked us on 9/11 it was not an attack by all muslims. When a black man kills someone in a drug related crime, it does not make all black men drug dealers and killers. When a white man discriminates, victimizes or belittles someone of another race it does not make all white people bigots. In the same way, when someone with a mental illness commits a horrible act like this, it is wrong to group all people with mental illnesses as dangerous. Preventing people with mental illness from buying guns is not going to fix this problem. When someone wants to commit an act like that they will find another way. I'm not saying we should hand guns out to all of the mentally ill, but changing laws to tighten the ability to buy guns is not the big problem here.
I feel another problem here is the discriminating, judging or singling out of the mentally ill causes people to not seek treatment so as to avoid that label. I know that was true for me.
Another major problem in our country is how the mentally ill receive treatment. It is difficult to even find a bed in a hospital during a crisis let alone to pay for it. The government ties the hands of loving families trying to seek help for their loved one, to protect sick ones rights. I agree that people who are suffering mentally should have rights, however when you are mentally ill it is your mind which is ill. When your brain is misfunctioning it is your reality. For me it was all I knew, so I went undiagnosed for at least 15 years. I thought I was awesome and could do anything, but I couldn't see the destruction I was causing to myself and everone around me. Who would get help when they feel like Wonderwoman? If I had not had the mental breakdown when pregnant with Jocelyn, I probably wouldn't have seen it for years more. 
It should not be so difficult to get people help. I wonder how many of the families of those murderers tried to seek help for their sick child. So often we hear the family knew there was an illness, if they had tried to get help, they had no ability to do so unless that person agreed.(that person who was blinded by their own mind and couldn't see that their mind was ill) If that person had been in an accident and couldn't make a rational decision, the next of kin would be called in to make decisions for their family member.
I know I am on my soapbox here, but I am expressing my opinion of the flaws in our laws meant to protect us from harm and protect our rights. Something needs to be done to revisit those laws.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dues For My Do's and Don'ts

November has been an uneventful month. Uneventful by my own choice. A few weeks ago I had a few days in the pit. As I came out of it I just sat in limbo between depressed and productive. It was my choice. At first I was just "recovering" from my bad days, but then it became something else, like a 3 week nap. I could've stopped it, I just didn't want to. I wanted to lay around completely unmotivated, sleeping all day. I would get up and take care of the kids, then nap on the couch while the 2 little ones watched cartoons. We would then have lunch and I would take a nap with them. I would also take naps after school and in the evenings sometime. I was like a lazy cat doing only what was required.
This isn't me. If you know me, you know I am a mover and shaker. I am always on the go with something or some new project. It keeps me happy. I know I am happy when I am there.
All this laziness comes from not taking one of my medications. It kinda helps my motivation which is suppressed by my other pills. If I want to be lazy I just skip my productive pill. My house falls apart, the Mt Everest of laundry grows in my basement, my dishes start growing things in the sink and I just don't really care. It isn't good for me or my family. Doing nothing eventually catches up with me, then I move to depressed because I have no life and my life is chaos.
When I am in my little hibernation I know I will be happy if I take the pill. I know I will be glad I did it and I will feel more balanced and in control.

Romans 7:15 "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

This scripture pops into my head when I think this all through. I let myself think I am not hurting anyone, I am just tired and want to stay that way. It is wrong, though. When I am just "being" I am not doing what God's plan for me is. I'm not growing. (except in my waistline) I'm not really there for my kids. Yes I do the basics, but God doesn't call me to just do the basics, he wants me to shine, to do the best I can.
I'm gonna work on that. I'm gonna try to do the things I should do, not do the things I do that I shouldn't do. What I'm gonna do is make a list of the things I should do, not the ones I shouldn't do. What I'll do is hang my "do's" in a place I do see everyday. That should remind me to do the do's and not do the ones I shouldn't do.  Maybe a good place would be where I do my doo's. : ) Do ya hear what I'm saying?

Yup, I'm feeling better.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Good Grief! My stupid month!

I took my blog down last month. Not only did I take it down, I destroyed it. I deleted 3 years of writing. I can't get it back. It is gone.
I spent a good week crying. It's dumb. I deleted it all. I shouldn't sit around crying about it. That day I had a major drop emotionally. I was depressed, suicidal feeling. I had just spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference. I had a great time.
Jason and I had a fight the next day. I felt compelled to make some changes, but Jason didn't agree.
I decided since Jason didn't want me to make the changes I felt God was leading me to, there was no purpose to me writing anymore. There was no point to me doing anything except to lay down and die. If not die physically, to kill off every other part of myself.
I seriously thought about overdosing that night. I just sat and contemplated which pills and how many would do the job.
I was mentally planning out my kids future without me. I was planning Jason's future wedding. Thinking of who my kids new Mom would be. I knew anyone would be better than me, I am so broken. I am black and useless. Anyone who touches me is ruined as well.
The following weekend I went away by myself. I went down to LaCrosse by Jana. I checked into a hotel and started writing. My hands were shaking, I could hardly hold onto the pen. I struggled to clear my mind. My head was spinning with self doubt, I couldn't stop the attacks and self belittling. I just started to write all of that and pretty soon everything else started flowing too. I will share a little of what I was writing.
My mind is like a kalidescope. So many thoughts and ideas flow through me, each piece is beautiful. I just can't stop the twisting long enough to really look at the design, it keeps spinning beautifully. I see a great pattern and then just as quickly it shifts all the pieces into something new. Oh if I could just freeze it for a moment, I could make sense of the design, it would be wonderous.
Although it is frustrating, I think this spinning is Gods purpose for me. My mind is always spinning and changing. I just need to reach and grab the pieces I can, then watch it spin all the beautiful patterns without spinning out of control. Each shift of all my pieces shine a different picture and are useful when God is shining through them.