I took my blog down last month. Not only did I take it down, I destroyed it. I deleted 3 years of writing. I can't get it back. It is gone.
I spent a good week crying. It's dumb. I deleted it all. I shouldn't sit around crying about it. That day I had a major drop emotionally. I was depressed, suicidal feeling. I had just spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference. I had a great time.
Jason and I had a fight the next day. I felt compelled to make some changes, but Jason didn't agree.
I decided since Jason didn't want me to make the changes I felt God was leading me to, there was no purpose to me writing anymore. There was no point to me doing anything except to lay down and die. If not die physically, to kill off every other part of myself.
I seriously thought about overdosing that night. I just sat and contemplated which pills and how many would do the job.
I was mentally planning out my kids future without me. I was planning Jason's future wedding. Thinking of who my kids new Mom would be. I knew anyone would be better than me, I am so broken. I am black and useless. Anyone who touches me is ruined as well.
The following weekend I went away by myself. I went down to LaCrosse by Jana. I checked into a hotel and started writing. My hands were shaking, I could hardly hold onto the pen. I struggled to clear my mind. My head was spinning with self doubt, I couldn't stop the attacks and self belittling. I just started to write all of that and pretty soon everything else started flowing too. I will share a little of what I was writing.
My mind is like a kalidescope. So many thoughts and ideas flow through me, each piece is beautiful. I just can't stop the twisting long enough to really look at the design, it keeps spinning beautifully. I see a great pattern and then just as quickly it shifts all the pieces into something new. Oh if I could just freeze it for a moment, I could make sense of the design, it would be wonderous.
Although it is frustrating, I think this spinning is Gods purpose for me. My mind is always spinning and changing. I just need to reach and grab the pieces I can, then watch it spin all the beautiful patterns without spinning out of control. Each shift of all my pieces shine a different picture and are useful when God is shining through them.