Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dues For My Do's and Don'ts

November has been an uneventful month. Uneventful by my own choice. A few weeks ago I had a few days in the pit. As I came out of it I just sat in limbo between depressed and productive. It was my choice. At first I was just "recovering" from my bad days, but then it became something else, like a 3 week nap. I could've stopped it, I just didn't want to. I wanted to lay around completely unmotivated, sleeping all day. I would get up and take care of the kids, then nap on the couch while the 2 little ones watched cartoons. We would then have lunch and I would take a nap with them. I would also take naps after school and in the evenings sometime. I was like a lazy cat doing only what was required.
This isn't me. If you know me, you know I am a mover and shaker. I am always on the go with something or some new project. It keeps me happy. I know I am happy when I am there.
All this laziness comes from not taking one of my medications. It kinda helps my motivation which is suppressed by my other pills. If I want to be lazy I just skip my productive pill. My house falls apart, the Mt Everest of laundry grows in my basement, my dishes start growing things in the sink and I just don't really care. It isn't good for me or my family. Doing nothing eventually catches up with me, then I move to depressed because I have no life and my life is chaos.
When I am in my little hibernation I know I will be happy if I take the pill. I know I will be glad I did it and I will feel more balanced and in control.

Romans 7:15 "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

This scripture pops into my head when I think this all through. I let myself think I am not hurting anyone, I am just tired and want to stay that way. It is wrong, though. When I am just "being" I am not doing what God's plan for me is. I'm not growing. (except in my waistline) I'm not really there for my kids. Yes I do the basics, but God doesn't call me to just do the basics, he wants me to shine, to do the best I can.
I'm gonna work on that. I'm gonna try to do the things I should do, not do the things I do that I shouldn't do. What I'm gonna do is make a list of the things I should do, not the ones I shouldn't do. What I'll do is hang my "do's" in a place I do see everyday. That should remind me to do the do's and not do the ones I shouldn't do.  Maybe a good place would be where I do my doo's. : ) Do ya hear what I'm saying?

Yup, I'm feeling better.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Good Grief! My stupid month!

I took my blog down last month. Not only did I take it down, I destroyed it. I deleted 3 years of writing. I can't get it back. It is gone.
I spent a good week crying. It's dumb. I deleted it all. I shouldn't sit around crying about it. That day I had a major drop emotionally. I was depressed, suicidal feeling. I had just spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference. I had a great time.
Jason and I had a fight the next day. I felt compelled to make some changes, but Jason didn't agree.
I decided since Jason didn't want me to make the changes I felt God was leading me to, there was no purpose to me writing anymore. There was no point to me doing anything except to lay down and die. If not die physically, to kill off every other part of myself.
I seriously thought about overdosing that night. I just sat and contemplated which pills and how many would do the job.
I was mentally planning out my kids future without me. I was planning Jason's future wedding. Thinking of who my kids new Mom would be. I knew anyone would be better than me, I am so broken. I am black and useless. Anyone who touches me is ruined as well.
The following weekend I went away by myself. I went down to LaCrosse by Jana. I checked into a hotel and started writing. My hands were shaking, I could hardly hold onto the pen. I struggled to clear my mind. My head was spinning with self doubt, I couldn't stop the attacks and self belittling. I just started to write all of that and pretty soon everything else started flowing too. I will share a little of what I was writing.
My mind is like a kalidescope. So many thoughts and ideas flow through me, each piece is beautiful. I just can't stop the twisting long enough to really look at the design, it keeps spinning beautifully. I see a great pattern and then just as quickly it shifts all the pieces into something new. Oh if I could just freeze it for a moment, I could make sense of the design, it would be wonderous.
Although it is frustrating, I think this spinning is Gods purpose for me. My mind is always spinning and changing. I just need to reach and grab the pieces I can, then watch it spin all the beautiful patterns without spinning out of control. Each shift of all my pieces shine a different picture and are useful when God is shining through them.