Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Caged Ambitions

First, My Babies

I have so many aspirations. I want to do so many things. I miss being impulsive and fearless. I want to be wild and run amuck with nothing slowing me down. I want to feel powerful, like I can accomplish anything again. I don't understand why my life went from wild and fun to depressed and fearful. I know that these "moods" are both parts of bipolar, but until 3 years ago I had mostly the wild, fun and impulsive part.
When I feel like I can conquer the world, I typically can, to a certain degree. "I can't" isn't really part of my reality. It sucks now that I am out of that mode. I'm stuck in the slow/depressive stage. I am actually not depressed, I'm just not superwoman anymore. I have been on medication for almost a year now and I think this slower me is just probably who I am. It takes alot more effort to move forward now because I have to think about it first. I have always had anxiety, but now that I'm not spinning like a top, it is more pronounced. Oh, Lord help me!
I want to run! I want to spin! I want to dance, leap and twirl! I'm not sure how to be free and fearless anymore. What exercises do I do to make my brain accommodate my new self? It's easy to identify those exercises if I had lost my legs, I would strengthen my arms. I am at a loss here.
I want to leave my little cave, I just have no drive to do it. That sounds stupid. I want to, but I don't. I remember what it used to feel like, and I used to enjoy it. I will probably enjoy social interaction now, it just feels like more work than I want to do. I feel "blah"! I don't want to feel that way but changing it sounds "blah", so I sit here feeling "blah". I need to develope some close relationships so I want to get out, just getting there is work. How does one develope friendships without social interaction? Hhhhhmmmm....maybe that's why I blog and spend alot of time on facebook, oh, and the phone. LOL! I guess we'll see.
Jason bought me the camera I have always wanted for Christmas, I can't help but to post a few pictures.

 This is the sunrise I chased down in Iowa during Christmas.
I climbed down a deep snowy ditch for this one, it reminded me of my grandparents farm. I wish the picture could really show the pink glows I saw that morning.
This is one of the last that I took, it turned out to be my favorite. I'm glad I stopped to get one more. I can't wait for spring storms!!!

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