I set it all on an adhesive tile mat from Lowes, then applied it to the stairs.
Above each mosaic, there is an LED light strip which is attached to the tread.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Thursday, April 16, 2015
The BEST Infomercial Ever!
I've been feeling a sense of urgency recently. As I look at the world around me, I can't help but see the sin and destruction everywhere. The deception has slowly seeped in everywhere I look. Satan has shifted the balance, things that are right, true and holy are now wrong in the eyes of people. This is true even with people in the church. Jesus is coming. We don't know the hour or the day, but he did give us specific things to look for that could give us a heads up. I see most of those things happening.
Imagine shopping at the Mall of America and finding yourself in the middle of a terrorist attack. When you find a safe way out of the battle, away from the bullets flying, would you just run past others who are ducking and hiding without pointing out the way? Wouldn't you be trying to pull them with you, encouraging them to be brave and run?? If you know there is a gunman ahead and people are still walking down the hall shopping would you not yell out for them to run, warn them??
This is the situation we are in. We know the way out. Recognize the urgency, recognize the battle, see past this temporary shell of a life that distracts from reality.
Jesus is coming. Think of the people in your life who don't know him. Have you pointed the way out to them? We all have people like that, maybe the girl that gives you your coffee every day or the delivery guy. Maybe it's a daycare provider or teacher. Be bold.
I used to sell Tupperware. I remember telling my sister that it was a product I wasn't ashamed to push because it was worth every penny. I loved Tupperware because they stood behind their product, even 20 years down the road. If something breaks, they replace it. You can be confident that the product is worth the investment because of the warranty.
Well, Jesus has much better customer service and the price is right. As a matter of fact, he paid the price for your guarantee and it never expires. It's free!
That's kind of a big deal! Why aren't we telling more people?? It's not a secret club with limited membership. Anyone can join and be set free from death. This freedom is not just for our next life, but to set us free from the brokenness and pain we're currently in. It's free to join, so there is no risk to give it a try! This is, however, a limited time offer. Act Now!
Seriously, we need to share the good news. We need to tell more people about this. This is the BIG deal.
If you haven't joined yet and want to know more about this free salvation Jesus is offering you, let me know! ANYONE can get it, no matter their past history. Jesus accepts any criminal record or credit score! It's the best deal I've ever gotten!
Imagine shopping at the Mall of America and finding yourself in the middle of a terrorist attack. When you find a safe way out of the battle, away from the bullets flying, would you just run past others who are ducking and hiding without pointing out the way? Wouldn't you be trying to pull them with you, encouraging them to be brave and run?? If you know there is a gunman ahead and people are still walking down the hall shopping would you not yell out for them to run, warn them??
This is the situation we are in. We know the way out. Recognize the urgency, recognize the battle, see past this temporary shell of a life that distracts from reality.
Jesus is coming. Think of the people in your life who don't know him. Have you pointed the way out to them? We all have people like that, maybe the girl that gives you your coffee every day or the delivery guy. Maybe it's a daycare provider or teacher. Be bold.
I used to sell Tupperware. I remember telling my sister that it was a product I wasn't ashamed to push because it was worth every penny. I loved Tupperware because they stood behind their product, even 20 years down the road. If something breaks, they replace it. You can be confident that the product is worth the investment because of the warranty.
Well, Jesus has much better customer service and the price is right. As a matter of fact, he paid the price for your guarantee and it never expires. It's free!
That's kind of a big deal! Why aren't we telling more people?? It's not a secret club with limited membership. Anyone can join and be set free from death. This freedom is not just for our next life, but to set us free from the brokenness and pain we're currently in. It's free to join, so there is no risk to give it a try! This is, however, a limited time offer. Act Now!
Seriously, we need to share the good news. We need to tell more people about this. This is the BIG deal.
If you haven't joined yet and want to know more about this free salvation Jesus is offering you, let me know! ANYONE can get it, no matter their past history. Jesus accepts any criminal record or credit score! It's the best deal I've ever gotten!
Monday, January 26, 2015
Parenting With Google?? FREE Options To Keep Your Kids Safe Online!
If you haven't done so, read my previous blog first! This is a link:
http://ramblingsofchessa.blogspot.com/2015/01/free-safety-filters-to-protect-your.html
As I promised, I am going to show the cool features I found in Google. I wanted to know exactly what my kids had been searching for and looking at on the internet. Having that information is SO important. It will let you know if the security software you are currently using is working well or if you need to find something better. It will also help you to address the problem with your child.
For instance, it's good to know if your child saw a picture of bare breasts vs. a picture of homosexual sex. Honestly, it is very easy for them to accidentally come across hardcore sex pictures without even intending to. Once they've been exposed to these images it makes it very difficult to keep their curiosity from dragging them back in.
If you've already created your Google account then you're ready to go. To see these cool features, click in the top right corner like below. Click on account, like I put the block around in purple.
Use the arrow at the top to go back to the previous menu to continue on.
Scroll down a bit and you will see a tab that says "account history." Click on that tab, like pictured below.
It will pop open this:
Start with the very first box. Make sure that the box that says "Include history from Chrome and other apps in your Web & App Activity" is checked. Pictured below:
By checking that box, Google is going to track all web browsing, whether on Chrome or another browser. It also will track the videos on Youtube and any images or videos on the web. You will see under the purple box I outlined it says "manage history." If you click there, it will pull open your browsing history. It gives dates and times too, which will help you know when your kids have been sneaking online. When you open your history, it will look something like this:
Now go back to the previous menu.
Scroll down to the next section. On the right side you will see a box about device history. Make sure this is turned on. Click on the box, like below:
It will pop open another box, click on it like this:
When you turn this on, Google will track the activity on any devices that are linked to this account, this will include phones or tablets where you've set them up for Google play.
Now you are set up to track all the activity on your devices! Yay!!!
You can look at all the history for videos that have been searched for on Youtube or watched. Play around in this Google account history stuff. There are so many cool things you can see history of in here.
It's nice because all of this information is free. Many services make you pay for this information, but why do that if you can have it all stored for free? It enables you to use a free filtering service and you'll still have access to all the information that the really expensive monitoring services offer.
Now I am going to give my opinion on how to discuss this with your kids. In my experience I've found it best to let my kids know that I can see their browsing history and Youtube history. I do not tell them everything I can see or how I am able to see it. I don't want them to know that because then they will look for ways around it. When I find that they've been looking at things that aren't acceptable, I look to see what I can do to help block it. Then I test it on their devices. I go and search every dirty word I can think of. It gives me an idea of what is filtered and what isn't.
Based on their search histories, I can get an idea of the language and words they use to look this stuff up. Example: I may think a teen boy would search for "Pictures of boobs" when he is using the word "titts." This is important information for me if I want to make sure he can't look at those pictures. A good way to learn their lingo is to watch their history online.
Good luck! My next blog will be the filtering program I am using. It is free and from a reputable company, so Yay!!
If you get stuck and need help, let me know!
Include history from Chrome and other apps in your Web & App Activity.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Free Safety Filters To Protect Your Kiddo's Online *Youtube*
**Graphic sexual images are below! They are included because I think we need to understand the reality of what our kids have easy access to.
For the last two years I've been fighting the battle to keep my kids safe on the internet. It can be so frustrating! I've tried a multitude of different safety programs and applications to protect them and found none of them competent. We are now switching to a plan of layered protection. It consists of putting filtering software over our home internet connection, setting age filters with our cell phone company, installing filtering/monitoring applications on our devices and setting up security settings on our online accounts.
First, let me say that none of this is 100% fool proof with a determined child. It needs to be followed up with random checks of the devices and household rules on how and where these devices are used.
I think I am going to be an internet genius by the time all these kids are grown.
I wanted to share some of the resources I am using and how to use them.
I am specifically working with android devices but a lot of this can be applied to your PC or Apple devices. Everything I am using is FREE!
To use this stuff successfully you'll need to set up a Google account. It can probably be done with other services, but Google is what I use so it's what I've learned.
When you set up your child's phone or tablet, set it up with your Google account, not your child's account. That will keep it so that the safety setting can't be tampered with.
(If your child is browsing online on a PC with their personal Google email open, you will have to keep in mind it uses their personal setting. Make sure they are set up and that you have the passwords.)
Youtube:
To start, I want to show you a before and after to this quick safety fix. I'm not blocking out the graphic images on the thumbnails because I think it's important to understand exactly what is on Youtube.
I am doing a search that I think any 12 year old kid would try: "Sex Video"
This is what happens with safety mode off:
Notice the difference. Safety mode is not perfect, but it seriously helps. I clicked on a few of the videos that still come up and I think they would seriously disappoint a kid looking for sex videos, especially compared to the previous version.
Make sure that you've created a Youtube account that is linked to your Google account. (Use your Google email address.)
To set up Youtube on safety mode, log into Youtube on your PC. At the very bottom of the page you will see the button to turn the safety on. See picture.
Keep in mind that your child can turn this off if they think of it, so you need to check it periodically to make sure they have left it alone.
Make sure this is the Youtube account that is logged in on the device your child uses. Check the built in app and the browser. (There may be more than one browser.)
If you are turning on "safety" directly on the tablet, you can find the settings by clicking on the 3 little dots in the corner, as seen below. (On our device anyway.)
This is just a start. I am going to write a couple follow up posts with setting up the security software I am using.
I am also going to do some helpful Google tools that are pretty cool for keeping your kids safe. (This is why I say to set up a Google account, it will not disappoint!)
Everything I am using is FREE!
Let's start a conversation! Please feel free to contact me if you run in to problems with this, I will do my best to get back to you and help if I can.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Maui On My Mind
It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm sitting outside on a lanai in Maui, watching the sun make it's way over the Maui mountains. I jumped out of bed, like a little kid on Christmas, and ran to see what gifts were waiting for me on the lanai.
Thankfully those gifts weren't reptiles or spiders.
Making the decision to return here was very difficult for me. I have four kids, this isn't something a mom of four kids spends money on. If it were a trip with Jason, it might have been an easier decision. I mean, it is easier to justify spending the money by investing in one on one time with my spouse. But this is a trip for just Mom, a trip difficult to justify as anything other than selfish.
The last few months God has really been causing growth in me. I know he has started some major changes in my life, including the publishing of my book. I have been on this answer seeking mission with him, "What's next? What am I supposed to be doing?" After asking that question for what seemed like years, I got an answer. It was an answer I misunderstood at first. It was simple, "Go back to where it all started."
Well, I started pouring through scripture, reading again and again those scriptures where it had all started. Nothing made sense. Then I understood. God wasn't being cryptic with me, he literally meant to "go back to where it all started." Maui. Go back to Maui, to the people I love, where God started this work in me.
As the plane was descending yesterday, I found myself being overwhelmed with emotions. Tears started squeezing out of my protesting eyes. Just seeing little pieces of it from the plane was more than I could handle.
As I drove around the edge of the island I got closer and closer to mile marker 14. That is one of the places where it all began. Just seeing the big, round monkey pod tree rising up out of the overgrowth started pushing a sob up my throat. I'm a little scared of what actually walking onto the property will cause.
So many unexpected emotions are welling up inside of me. I am so thankful to be here. I have had dreams about walking on the beach here.
I have no idea what God is planning for me here. I am a little nervous about that, I mean, looking at the things he's already done to me here makes me shake a little inside. I do not know what his plans are, I'm just going to let myself feel all of this, all of these emotions. I'm just going to wait, wait and see what he shows me or tells me next. I'm going to hug these people I love and tell them what they've meant to me.
I am hopeful, I am expecting.
I am thankful.
Thankfully those gifts weren't reptiles or spiders.
Making the decision to return here was very difficult for me. I have four kids, this isn't something a mom of four kids spends money on. If it were a trip with Jason, it might have been an easier decision. I mean, it is easier to justify spending the money by investing in one on one time with my spouse. But this is a trip for just Mom, a trip difficult to justify as anything other than selfish.
The last few months God has really been causing growth in me. I know he has started some major changes in my life, including the publishing of my book. I have been on this answer seeking mission with him, "What's next? What am I supposed to be doing?" After asking that question for what seemed like years, I got an answer. It was an answer I misunderstood at first. It was simple, "Go back to where it all started."
Well, I started pouring through scripture, reading again and again those scriptures where it had all started. Nothing made sense. Then I understood. God wasn't being cryptic with me, he literally meant to "go back to where it all started." Maui. Go back to Maui, to the people I love, where God started this work in me.
As the plane was descending yesterday, I found myself being overwhelmed with emotions. Tears started squeezing out of my protesting eyes. Just seeing little pieces of it from the plane was more than I could handle.
As I drove around the edge of the island I got closer and closer to mile marker 14. That is one of the places where it all began. Just seeing the big, round monkey pod tree rising up out of the overgrowth started pushing a sob up my throat. I'm a little scared of what actually walking onto the property will cause.
So many unexpected emotions are welling up inside of me. I am so thankful to be here. I have had dreams about walking on the beach here.
I have no idea what God is planning for me here. I am a little nervous about that, I mean, looking at the things he's already done to me here makes me shake a little inside. I do not know what his plans are, I'm just going to let myself feel all of this, all of these emotions. I'm just going to wait, wait and see what he shows me or tells me next. I'm going to hug these people I love and tell them what they've meant to me.
I am hopeful, I am expecting.
I am thankful.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Dark, Dirty, Glorious Love
I know my husband is the one God made for me. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. I've shared so many other pieces of my life here, I am going to share this one too.
Jason walked into my life in 1994. I was 17 years old, a freshman in college. It was a small Christian college in Iowa. My first memory of Jason is from before I had met him, before I had ever laid eyes on him or heard his name. It started my first week of school. There was a small local newspaper in my room. When I saw it, the front page caught my eye. There was a story about a young girl who had just been killed in a car/train accident. When I read it I felt so filled with sorrow for her family. That night I prayed for them.
The first day of classes there were announcements, I believe they were read over some sort of speaker system. One of the announcements was for a prayer request for a freshman student whose girlfriend had just been killed in a car accident. I immediately put it together that she must have been the girl I had seen in the paper. I felt so bad for whoever that guy was.
That night when I was back in my dorm I sat down with my journal, which was and still is the way I pray. I prayed for that guy. It was such a young and immature prayer, but it must have been exactly what I was supposed to pray. I prayed that he would be OK. I prayed that he would heal and that God would bring someone else in his life to love. It was the silly and romantic prayer of a kid. I had no idea how much that prayer would shape the rest of my life.
A few weeks later I was sitting with my sister outside the cafeteria waiting for some friends. While we were waiting, this big, tall and sweaty guy walked past us to get his lunch.(Sweaty because he had just finished track practice) As soon as he was past I looked at my sister. I'm pretty sure there was drool running down my chin as I said "I am SO gonna marry him! He is SO hot!" (Sorry, I had a little "Valley Girl" accent going on back then.) My sister can back me up on this story. She thought I was crazy. She rolled her eyes at me and I believe her exact words were "YUCK!" (Her vision has always been a little off, probably all that eye rolling.)
After this chance encounter with prince charming, I spent all of my free time trying to figure out who this dashing guy was. There was some light stalking involved, I'm not too proud of that. I finally casually made my way into his circle of friends. I worked up the courage and decided to seek advice from his roommate. I can still vividly pull that conversation up in my head. I told him I liked Jason. I asked him if Jason was seeing anyone or if he thought I could ask him out. His reaction was immediate. He told me that was a very bad idea. He then told me the story of how Jason's girlfriend had just died. As he was telling me this, I could feel my heart just sink.
Somehow, this sad story didn't really stop me. It did slow me down and make me much more cautious, however. I spent months just hanging out with Jason. He never invited me anywhere alone with him, he'd always ask my roommate and I if we wanted to do something, I'd quickly say yes and she'd say no, then add "but you guys go ahead without me."
I spent many hours holding various wires for him while he was installing his stereo system or helping him sand the outside of his car. (I was clearly in love, because you couldn't pay me to do that stuff now!) After a few months we started dating.
It was a crazy mess, we didn't do any of it right. Jason broke up with me twice over the next year, his reason was always the same. He didn't love me as much as he loved his girlfriend who died. It broke my heart. I had no idea how to respond to that. He was breaking up with me for someone who had died. I spent days just sobbing from the pain and the confusion of the whole situation.
Looking back, I know what a mess that all was. I know he was still in so much pain from losing her, he needed more time. Despite the pain of his rejection, I went back. I loved him. I knew he loved me. I knew he needed me to be OK with him still loving her. I don't know how or where I learned that level of maturity at 17, God just gave me what I needed to get through it.
We were so young. So many things would've been so much easier if we had gone slower or waited longer. My parents thought we were too young and going too fast. Jason's parents weren't thrilled and thought it was way too soon for him. God knew what he was doing.
God brought us together at that time to protect us, to protect us from ourselves. Jason had lost a ton of weight, he wasn't sleeping or eating. He had seriously contemplated suicide. He was spiraling quickly out of control.
I was in a very bad place too. I was running around, partying all the time. I was so desperately alone I would follow anyone who paid me attention.
I smile now, thinking about the beginning of our relationship. I wanted that affection so badly. I can see exactly how God orchestrated my life so that my only choice was to fall onto him. He created this magnetic attraction to Jason in me, knowing that Jason was completely unable to meet it, even just a little bit. God knew that would create my need to fall straight into his arms, it would draw me to him.
God knew that by putting me in Jason's life it would give him hope. He knew that when Jason heard how I'd prayed for him before I ever knew him, he would hear how much God loved him. He knew that Jason needed someone to chatter his ear off, to drag him out of the black hole he was sitting in.
It was young love. It was crazy, broken and dysfunctional love. Being able to look back and see how clearly God's hand was involved is the glue that holds it all together. There have been times I've wanted to walk away from it. Honestly, there have been many times.
I am thankful I have documented so much of our lives. When things get tough, I have proof of who put us together. No matter what kind of division has been planted in between us, I know, beyond doubt, this love was created by God, not me. It had nothing to do with Jason or I, God planned us. He made each part of us to be the exact thing the other would need.
It can be ugly and painful, but honestly, nothing beautiful comes without pain. Every battle we face draws us closer to each other. When he hurts me and breaks my heart, it pushes me to my knees. It gives me no choice but to cry out to my Daddy. God then heals me and gives me the strength and grace to be able to continue.
Thank you, Lord for the ugly and broken but beautiful life you've given me!
Jason walked into my life in 1994. I was 17 years old, a freshman in college. It was a small Christian college in Iowa. My first memory of Jason is from before I had met him, before I had ever laid eyes on him or heard his name. It started my first week of school. There was a small local newspaper in my room. When I saw it, the front page caught my eye. There was a story about a young girl who had just been killed in a car/train accident. When I read it I felt so filled with sorrow for her family. That night I prayed for them.
The first day of classes there were announcements, I believe they were read over some sort of speaker system. One of the announcements was for a prayer request for a freshman student whose girlfriend had just been killed in a car accident. I immediately put it together that she must have been the girl I had seen in the paper. I felt so bad for whoever that guy was.
That night when I was back in my dorm I sat down with my journal, which was and still is the way I pray. I prayed for that guy. It was such a young and immature prayer, but it must have been exactly what I was supposed to pray. I prayed that he would be OK. I prayed that he would heal and that God would bring someone else in his life to love. It was the silly and romantic prayer of a kid. I had no idea how much that prayer would shape the rest of my life.
A few weeks later I was sitting with my sister outside the cafeteria waiting for some friends. While we were waiting, this big, tall and sweaty guy walked past us to get his lunch.(Sweaty because he had just finished track practice) As soon as he was past I looked at my sister. I'm pretty sure there was drool running down my chin as I said "I am SO gonna marry him! He is SO hot!" (Sorry, I had a little "Valley Girl" accent going on back then.) My sister can back me up on this story. She thought I was crazy. She rolled her eyes at me and I believe her exact words were "YUCK!" (Her vision has always been a little off, probably all that eye rolling.)
After this chance encounter with prince charming, I spent all of my free time trying to figure out who this dashing guy was. There was some light stalking involved, I'm not too proud of that. I finally casually made my way into his circle of friends. I worked up the courage and decided to seek advice from his roommate. I can still vividly pull that conversation up in my head. I told him I liked Jason. I asked him if Jason was seeing anyone or if he thought I could ask him out. His reaction was immediate. He told me that was a very bad idea. He then told me the story of how Jason's girlfriend had just died. As he was telling me this, I could feel my heart just sink.
Somehow, this sad story didn't really stop me. It did slow me down and make me much more cautious, however. I spent months just hanging out with Jason. He never invited me anywhere alone with him, he'd always ask my roommate and I if we wanted to do something, I'd quickly say yes and she'd say no, then add "but you guys go ahead without me."
I spent many hours holding various wires for him while he was installing his stereo system or helping him sand the outside of his car. (I was clearly in love, because you couldn't pay me to do that stuff now!) After a few months we started dating.
It was a crazy mess, we didn't do any of it right. Jason broke up with me twice over the next year, his reason was always the same. He didn't love me as much as he loved his girlfriend who died. It broke my heart. I had no idea how to respond to that. He was breaking up with me for someone who had died. I spent days just sobbing from the pain and the confusion of the whole situation.
Looking back, I know what a mess that all was. I know he was still in so much pain from losing her, he needed more time. Despite the pain of his rejection, I went back. I loved him. I knew he loved me. I knew he needed me to be OK with him still loving her. I don't know how or where I learned that level of maturity at 17, God just gave me what I needed to get through it.
We were so young. So many things would've been so much easier if we had gone slower or waited longer. My parents thought we were too young and going too fast. Jason's parents weren't thrilled and thought it was way too soon for him. God knew what he was doing.
God brought us together at that time to protect us, to protect us from ourselves. Jason had lost a ton of weight, he wasn't sleeping or eating. He had seriously contemplated suicide. He was spiraling quickly out of control.
I was in a very bad place too. I was running around, partying all the time. I was so desperately alone I would follow anyone who paid me attention.
I smile now, thinking about the beginning of our relationship. I wanted that affection so badly. I can see exactly how God orchestrated my life so that my only choice was to fall onto him. He created this magnetic attraction to Jason in me, knowing that Jason was completely unable to meet it, even just a little bit. God knew that would create my need to fall straight into his arms, it would draw me to him.
God knew that by putting me in Jason's life it would give him hope. He knew that when Jason heard how I'd prayed for him before I ever knew him, he would hear how much God loved him. He knew that Jason needed someone to chatter his ear off, to drag him out of the black hole he was sitting in.
It was young love. It was crazy, broken and dysfunctional love. Being able to look back and see how clearly God's hand was involved is the glue that holds it all together. There have been times I've wanted to walk away from it. Honestly, there have been many times.
I am thankful I have documented so much of our lives. When things get tough, I have proof of who put us together. No matter what kind of division has been planted in between us, I know, beyond doubt, this love was created by God, not me. It had nothing to do with Jason or I, God planned us. He made each part of us to be the exact thing the other would need.
It can be ugly and painful, but honestly, nothing beautiful comes without pain. Every battle we face draws us closer to each other. When he hurts me and breaks my heart, it pushes me to my knees. It gives me no choice but to cry out to my Daddy. God then heals me and gives me the strength and grace to be able to continue.
Thank you, Lord for the ugly and broken but beautiful life you've given me!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Fully Exposed
I grew up in a small town, I mean a really small town with a population of around 500 people. If ever there was a town called a Christian town, Prinsburg would be it. Our town had one gas station, one service station, two Christian Reformed churches and a Christian school. Everyone in the town belonged to one of those churches with the exception of a few families that belonged to the Assemblies of God church in the next big town over. Once in awhile outsiders would move in and you would hear some people refer to them as "the heathens down the street" until they either assimilated into one of the churches or left. All the kids in the town also went to the Christian school, there was no public school unless you were bused 10 miles to another small town, but that rarely happened.
Appearances were very important. If we didn't make it to church on a Sunday morning or evening we hid in the house. After church got out, we would wait a respectable amount of time before we set foot out the door so that no one would know we had not been there.
From a very young age I went to Sunday school. I learned all of the Bible stories and memorized all of the important verses. In school this continued. I learned all about God's world, how he made it and how he still interacts in it today.
At home and at school I was taught right from wrong. I learned respect and all about treating other people how Jesus would. As a teenager I learned all of the church doctrine and understood all of the ways a church worked. I attended youth group and learned the importance of prayer and giving to others.
I was raised from birth in a completely Christian environment, surrounded by people holding me accountable and loving me, yet I was completely empty.
I want to say that I know this was not the intentions of my parents, the school or my church. Their intentions were good.
I learned all the technical pieces of being a Christian. I knew what it was supposed to look like, what it was supposed to sound like and how I was supposed to act. Even with all of this knowledge I was frustrated, I was angry and I was alone. I was filled with shame because I knew that inside I was completely incapable of being that person. I was acting. No matter how hard I tried I was never going to be that good Christian girl.
I struggled with loneliness and depression. I started cutting my arms and hiding it under long sleeves. The pain of sticking whatever sharp object I used in my arm felt better than the pain of knowing how much I was hated. I had a very embarrassing suicide attempt at 15. I was embarrassed because I failed.
At 15 I started dating a guy from another town. I was convinced I was in love with him and he was the one who would make me whole. This turned into a long ugly and mess with me trying to get pregnant by him because then no one could ever separate us. Thankfully that didn't happen and my parents were able to create enough separation by sending me to Maui to a Teen Challenge program.
I spent a year and a half there and graduated high school. I learned so many things there that I had somehow missed at home and God did some awesome things in my life. I started to learn about that mysterious thing called "a personal relationship" with Jesus. They put down a strong foundation for me to carry forward.
Learning to have that real relationship with God was difficult for me because I had been given such a thorough Christian education already. I already knew all the answers. Well, I thought I did, it was just hard to break past that huge "religious" hurdle in the way. I struggled even more than some of the other people there who had been drug addicts off the streets with absolutely no knowledge of God.
It took me years to finally understand what faith in Jesus was all about. When I finally "got" it, I was so angry. I was so angry at how satan had so twisted those good intentions.
Now I am looking into the eyes of my four precious kids and I've realized I am doing the exact thing to them that I fought so hard to overcome.
This is the decision I've come to. My number one priority is to teach my kids to pray.
I'm going to teach them different ways that God speaks to us. I want them to know that prayer isn't some carefully assembled compilation of thee's, thou's and amen's. They need to know that prayer is an actual conversation with God and that God really is wanting to talk back to them.
I want them to know how much he really wants to just be with them, to share his love for them and take the bite out of this life for them. He wants to hear from them if they're screaming, crying and confused or having a good day.
I want them to know that he wants to hear their silly knock-knock jokes and wants to watch cartoons and play dolls with them. I'm going to teach them that he speaks in that still small voice and how to hear it and have confidence in it. They need to know he talks to us in the scripture that they just happened to turn to and that song that played at just the right moment.
If my kids don't learn how to talk to and hear from God, then all the other work I have put into them is worth nothing. Everything I can give them will leave them empty.
God is the only one who can change their hearts. He's the only one who can make them whole and fill their lives with joy.
Following all the "rules" of religion won't change our struggles or help us overcome them. Drawing into Jesus, developing intimacy with him is what changes us. That happens from seeking him, not from anything we try to do to better ourselves. We need to focus all of our energy into finding out how to talk to him and hear from him, finding all the different ways he speaks. We need to discover the joy and peace we can have just being with him.
Once we learn to communicate with him he gives us the desire to want to change and the skills we need to actually succeed. That relationship we find is what turns being a Christian from a repressive prison into something fulfilling and joyful.
My uncle has built several small airplanes over the years. He understands how all the parts work and what each piece is for. He knows that the propeller provides the thrust to move it and the wings
give it the lift. He knows all the other pieces that give the plane stability in flight so it doesn't tip or lose control. Knowing all of those things, however, didn't make him a pilot. I'm sure that no one would have questioned him being a pilot if he took them out to his plane and showed them all the parts, explained how each piece works and the importance of those parts. He would be a pretty convincing and knowledgeable looking pilot. But why just pretend to fly when you can soar? Why pretend when we can learn how to feel the wind lift those wings and the freedom and joy of no longer being restricted to the ground? Having that airplane would become a big disappointment and a chore to maintain if all he could ever do is pretend to fly.
I know my experience was not unique. I have no idea where it started but somehow we have been deceived and tricked into missing the most important part of our salvation. Our perception of "flying" became understanding how it works and sitting back in the seat making "buzzing" noises with a fan blowing our hair. Well, if that's all we're planning on doing what's the point of the plane? That is why so many people walk away from their faith. I can be a good and moral person lots of places. What's the point of the church or being a Christian? That real supernatural relationship with God is the point, that's what gives us the ability to succeed at truly becoming more like him.
Let's fly!
Appearances were very important. If we didn't make it to church on a Sunday morning or evening we hid in the house. After church got out, we would wait a respectable amount of time before we set foot out the door so that no one would know we had not been there.
From a very young age I went to Sunday school. I learned all of the Bible stories and memorized all of the important verses. In school this continued. I learned all about God's world, how he made it and how he still interacts in it today.
At home and at school I was taught right from wrong. I learned respect and all about treating other people how Jesus would. As a teenager I learned all of the church doctrine and understood all of the ways a church worked. I attended youth group and learned the importance of prayer and giving to others.
I was raised from birth in a completely Christian environment, surrounded by people holding me accountable and loving me, yet I was completely empty.
I want to say that I know this was not the intentions of my parents, the school or my church. Their intentions were good.
I learned all the technical pieces of being a Christian. I knew what it was supposed to look like, what it was supposed to sound like and how I was supposed to act. Even with all of this knowledge I was frustrated, I was angry and I was alone. I was filled with shame because I knew that inside I was completely incapable of being that person. I was acting. No matter how hard I tried I was never going to be that good Christian girl.
I struggled with loneliness and depression. I started cutting my arms and hiding it under long sleeves. The pain of sticking whatever sharp object I used in my arm felt better than the pain of knowing how much I was hated. I had a very embarrassing suicide attempt at 15. I was embarrassed because I failed.
At 15 I started dating a guy from another town. I was convinced I was in love with him and he was the one who would make me whole. This turned into a long ugly and mess with me trying to get pregnant by him because then no one could ever separate us. Thankfully that didn't happen and my parents were able to create enough separation by sending me to Maui to a Teen Challenge program.
I spent a year and a half there and graduated high school. I learned so many things there that I had somehow missed at home and God did some awesome things in my life. I started to learn about that mysterious thing called "a personal relationship" with Jesus. They put down a strong foundation for me to carry forward.
Learning to have that real relationship with God was difficult for me because I had been given such a thorough Christian education already. I already knew all the answers. Well, I thought I did, it was just hard to break past that huge "religious" hurdle in the way. I struggled even more than some of the other people there who had been drug addicts off the streets with absolutely no knowledge of God.
It took me years to finally understand what faith in Jesus was all about. When I finally "got" it, I was so angry. I was so angry at how satan had so twisted those good intentions.
Now I am looking into the eyes of my four precious kids and I've realized I am doing the exact thing to them that I fought so hard to overcome.
This is the decision I've come to. My number one priority is to teach my kids to pray.
I'm going to teach them different ways that God speaks to us. I want them to know that prayer isn't some carefully assembled compilation of thee's, thou's and amen's. They need to know that prayer is an actual conversation with God and that God really is wanting to talk back to them.
I want them to know how much he really wants to just be with them, to share his love for them and take the bite out of this life for them. He wants to hear from them if they're screaming, crying and confused or having a good day.
I want them to know that he wants to hear their silly knock-knock jokes and wants to watch cartoons and play dolls with them. I'm going to teach them that he speaks in that still small voice and how to hear it and have confidence in it. They need to know he talks to us in the scripture that they just happened to turn to and that song that played at just the right moment.
If my kids don't learn how to talk to and hear from God, then all the other work I have put into them is worth nothing. Everything I can give them will leave them empty.
God is the only one who can change their hearts. He's the only one who can make them whole and fill their lives with joy.
Following all the "rules" of religion won't change our struggles or help us overcome them. Drawing into Jesus, developing intimacy with him is what changes us. That happens from seeking him, not from anything we try to do to better ourselves. We need to focus all of our energy into finding out how to talk to him and hear from him, finding all the different ways he speaks. We need to discover the joy and peace we can have just being with him.
Once we learn to communicate with him he gives us the desire to want to change and the skills we need to actually succeed. That relationship we find is what turns being a Christian from a repressive prison into something fulfilling and joyful.
My uncle has built several small airplanes over the years. He understands how all the parts work and what each piece is for. He knows that the propeller provides the thrust to move it and the wings
give it the lift. He knows all the other pieces that give the plane stability in flight so it doesn't tip or lose control. Knowing all of those things, however, didn't make him a pilot. I'm sure that no one would have questioned him being a pilot if he took them out to his plane and showed them all the parts, explained how each piece works and the importance of those parts. He would be a pretty convincing and knowledgeable looking pilot. But why just pretend to fly when you can soar? Why pretend when we can learn how to feel the wind lift those wings and the freedom and joy of no longer being restricted to the ground? Having that airplane would become a big disappointment and a chore to maintain if all he could ever do is pretend to fly.
I know my experience was not unique. I have no idea where it started but somehow we have been deceived and tricked into missing the most important part of our salvation. Our perception of "flying" became understanding how it works and sitting back in the seat making "buzzing" noises with a fan blowing our hair. Well, if that's all we're planning on doing what's the point of the plane? That is why so many people walk away from their faith. I can be a good and moral person lots of places. What's the point of the church or being a Christian? That real supernatural relationship with God is the point, that's what gives us the ability to succeed at truly becoming more like him.
Let's fly!
Friday, February 28, 2014
Cause Ya Gotta Have Faith
Today is Jocelyn's third birthday. I thank God that he put Jocelyn in my life, that he chose me to be her mother. Now that I have three years distance from her arrival, I want to share the story of how Jocelyn came into my life. This story is why Jocelyn's middle name is Faith.
The summer of 2010 was great! I was in the best shape I'd been in since I was a teen, I was enjoying all kinds of activities with my kids and just loving life! I decided to start cleaning my house of all the baby gear, since my youngest child was almost two. I had pretty much decided we were done having kids and had been on birth control until I decided how to make that permanent. I had a huge garage sale with a friend and sold all that baby stuff. It was liberating. That night I had a strange thought creep into my head, "You're pregnant!" At first I tried to just blow that thought off, I mean, how could I be pregnant? I was on the pill and it had been very difficult for us to have our other kids...it was just a stupid thought. I couldn't sleep, so I finally got up and ran to the drug store and bought a test. I remember kicking myself for wasting the money because I was being paranoid. I went home and took the test. I set it on the counter to wait, but immediately I could see 2 lines. Shit! What!! I couldn't stop swearing. After a few minutes I ran upstairs and woke Jason up. I was hysterical. I was crying and shouting. I handed the test to him, he looked down at it and just started smiling. I could've killed him. I was so angry.
This is pretty much how the first few months of my pregnancy went. I was so angry! I didn't want this baby. I hated the fact that I was having another baby. Deep inside I hated myself for feeling that way. I knew I would love this child but I just couldn't move past the anger. Then the anger turned into a deep depression with frequent shifts between anger and guilt for not wanting this baby.
About four months into the pregnancy I went to the doctor for a regular visit and they drew blood for some tests for genetic problems with the baby. A week or so later I got a call from the doctor saying I needed to come back in. When I got there she told me the tests had not gone well. I needed to go see a specialist.
When I arrived at the specialist they had already run more tests and they decided to do an ultrasound, my baby was another little girl. After the test 2 doctors came back in the room. I felt my blood go cold. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it together.
The doctors said that they thought the baby had a genetic problem that would possibly kill her. They said it could be Downs Syndrome or possibly Trisomy 18, which would be a death sentence for her. They also said it looked like her heart had a major defect. After giving me all that news I was numb.
The doctors started talking about what to do next. The very first suggestion was that I was at a good place to terminate the pregnancy, it would still be simple. I needed to decide quickly, though because in a few weeks it would be a lot more complicated. I couldn't believe what they were saying to me. I had never imagined I could be in a situation like this. I did know exactly how I felt about it. I was almost mad that they would suggest killing her. I told them that even if I knew that she was definitely going to die, I would never abort her. It was not an option even if it would kill me. Thankfully no one ever mentioned it to me again.
The next option was for more tests. These tests would be more invasive and could threaten the pregnancy. I decided not to have them. I didn't want to do anything that could possibly put her in a worse situation than she was already in.
As my pregnancy progressed they did frequent ultrasounds and tests. It seemed like every month the prognosis wasn't quite as bad.
They ran more tests on her heart with a special ultrasound type test. During that test they couldn't find any problems. The doctor couldn't understand the changes from the original ultrasounds, there were clear problems on those but somehow they seemed to go away.
During all this time I was seriously depressed. I was depressed almost to the point of being suicidal. I couldn't stop thinking that if I only had wanted her she would be healthy. Because I had hated her, God was going to take her from me. I was having 2 ultrasounds per week making sure she was OK. It was so draining. I was exhausted.
The last few weeks of the pregnancy is when it got really bad. I couldn't stop thinking about just stabbing myself. I wanted her out so badly. I would pace around the house late at night when everyone else was asleep thinking about stabbing right in my belly.
I finally told Jason and he brought me in to the OB right away the next morning. She wanted to put me in the hospital. I just cried. I begged Jason not to let them put me there. An agreement with the doctor was made, Jason would take leave from work and stay with me.
The next couple weeks went much better and then Jocelyn was ready to come meet us. I was so scared of what we were going to find when she came out. Would she be OK? Would her heart be pumping correctly? Would she have Downs Syndrome or anything else? There were so many things that could go wrong. But then she arrived.
She was breathing.
She looked normal.
She sounded normal.
All those apgar tests were good. Her heart sounded perfect. I remember them handing me that baby. I just felt this sense of peace wash over me. She was OK. We had made it. Jocelyn and I had just been through a battle and we had won.
She was absolutely perfect. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As she has grown she just gets more and more beautiful!
This was my "Lion King" moment...holding my little "Simba" up.
I can't imagine not having her in my life.
During my pregnancy and even the first year or two of her life I hadn't fully reflected on how very differently this could have ended.
God chose me to be Jocelyn Mom for so many reasons. He knew the outlook for Joci was going to look bleak. He gave her to me because he knew I would not ever consider giving up on her. He knew that I had the faith that I would trust him even if I was angry and depressed, even when I really didn't want to. God also knew how he was going to step in and redeem this situation. He knew that even though all the tests were bad, he was going to make her whole and healthy! In this situation I gave birth to a lot more than a healthy baby girl. My faith and trust in God grew so much. He is so very faithful, no matter what the situation.
So many babies are killed every year based on those early pregnancy screenings. It really breaks my heart. I am so thankful that this one was mine. Even if things had gone exactly as the doctors had said, I know that God would have just brought a different way to redeem the situation. In Jocelyn's life I want to just glorify God. He gave me every bit of hope I had in those dark days, he's the one who had built the faith and trust in me to be able to walk through it. I am so excited to see the plans he has for this awesome little girl. He has done so many things to pave the way for her to be where she is right now, I know he has awesome things for her! Happy Birthday little Jocelyn Faith!
The summer of 2010 was great! I was in the best shape I'd been in since I was a teen, I was enjoying all kinds of activities with my kids and just loving life! I decided to start cleaning my house of all the baby gear, since my youngest child was almost two. I had pretty much decided we were done having kids and had been on birth control until I decided how to make that permanent. I had a huge garage sale with a friend and sold all that baby stuff. It was liberating. That night I had a strange thought creep into my head, "You're pregnant!" At first I tried to just blow that thought off, I mean, how could I be pregnant? I was on the pill and it had been very difficult for us to have our other kids...it was just a stupid thought. I couldn't sleep, so I finally got up and ran to the drug store and bought a test. I remember kicking myself for wasting the money because I was being paranoid. I went home and took the test. I set it on the counter to wait, but immediately I could see 2 lines. Shit! What!! I couldn't stop swearing. After a few minutes I ran upstairs and woke Jason up. I was hysterical. I was crying and shouting. I handed the test to him, he looked down at it and just started smiling. I could've killed him. I was so angry.
This is pretty much how the first few months of my pregnancy went. I was so angry! I didn't want this baby. I hated the fact that I was having another baby. Deep inside I hated myself for feeling that way. I knew I would love this child but I just couldn't move past the anger. Then the anger turned into a deep depression with frequent shifts between anger and guilt for not wanting this baby.
About four months into the pregnancy I went to the doctor for a regular visit and they drew blood for some tests for genetic problems with the baby. A week or so later I got a call from the doctor saying I needed to come back in. When I got there she told me the tests had not gone well. I needed to go see a specialist.
When I arrived at the specialist they had already run more tests and they decided to do an ultrasound, my baby was another little girl. After the test 2 doctors came back in the room. I felt my blood go cold. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it together.
The doctors said that they thought the baby had a genetic problem that would possibly kill her. They said it could be Downs Syndrome or possibly Trisomy 18, which would be a death sentence for her. They also said it looked like her heart had a major defect. After giving me all that news I was numb.
The doctors started talking about what to do next. The very first suggestion was that I was at a good place to terminate the pregnancy, it would still be simple. I needed to decide quickly, though because in a few weeks it would be a lot more complicated. I couldn't believe what they were saying to me. I had never imagined I could be in a situation like this. I did know exactly how I felt about it. I was almost mad that they would suggest killing her. I told them that even if I knew that she was definitely going to die, I would never abort her. It was not an option even if it would kill me. Thankfully no one ever mentioned it to me again.
The next option was for more tests. These tests would be more invasive and could threaten the pregnancy. I decided not to have them. I didn't want to do anything that could possibly put her in a worse situation than she was already in.
As my pregnancy progressed they did frequent ultrasounds and tests. It seemed like every month the prognosis wasn't quite as bad.
They ran more tests on her heart with a special ultrasound type test. During that test they couldn't find any problems. The doctor couldn't understand the changes from the original ultrasounds, there were clear problems on those but somehow they seemed to go away.
During all this time I was seriously depressed. I was depressed almost to the point of being suicidal. I couldn't stop thinking that if I only had wanted her she would be healthy. Because I had hated her, God was going to take her from me. I was having 2 ultrasounds per week making sure she was OK. It was so draining. I was exhausted.
The last few weeks of the pregnancy is when it got really bad. I couldn't stop thinking about just stabbing myself. I wanted her out so badly. I would pace around the house late at night when everyone else was asleep thinking about stabbing right in my belly.
I finally told Jason and he brought me in to the OB right away the next morning. She wanted to put me in the hospital. I just cried. I begged Jason not to let them put me there. An agreement with the doctor was made, Jason would take leave from work and stay with me.
The next couple weeks went much better and then Jocelyn was ready to come meet us. I was so scared of what we were going to find when she came out. Would she be OK? Would her heart be pumping correctly? Would she have Downs Syndrome or anything else? There were so many things that could go wrong. But then she arrived.
She was breathing.
She looked normal.
She sounded normal.
All those apgar tests were good. Her heart sounded perfect. I remember them handing me that baby. I just felt this sense of peace wash over me. She was OK. We had made it. Jocelyn and I had just been through a battle and we had won.
During my pregnancy and even the first year or two of her life I hadn't fully reflected on how very differently this could have ended.
God chose me to be Jocelyn Mom for so many reasons. He knew the outlook for Joci was going to look bleak. He gave her to me because he knew I would not ever consider giving up on her. He knew that I had the faith that I would trust him even if I was angry and depressed, even when I really didn't want to. God also knew how he was going to step in and redeem this situation. He knew that even though all the tests were bad, he was going to make her whole and healthy! In this situation I gave birth to a lot more than a healthy baby girl. My faith and trust in God grew so much. He is so very faithful, no matter what the situation.
So many babies are killed every year based on those early pregnancy screenings. It really breaks my heart. I am so thankful that this one was mine. Even if things had gone exactly as the doctors had said, I know that God would have just brought a different way to redeem the situation. In Jocelyn's life I want to just glorify God. He gave me every bit of hope I had in those dark days, he's the one who had built the faith and trust in me to be able to walk through it. I am so excited to see the plans he has for this awesome little girl. He has done so many things to pave the way for her to be where she is right now, I know he has awesome things for her! Happy Birthday little Jocelyn Faith!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A Hater's Heyday
I spent quite a bit of time reading through comments online about the interview Phil Robertson (Duck Dynasty) gave GQ magazine today. It was such a mess of hatred. Sadly, a lot of the hate was being spat out by people referring to themselves as Christians. It honestly breaks my heart because it is so very clear to see why many people have such a poor view of Christians. Many of the comments were judgmental and just plain mean. Some people would start out nice, but then after being attacked would spout out lines of hatred.
I love God. I love his word, the Bible. I hate sin. Sin is clearly spelled out in the Bible. I could probably fill pages and pages with possible sins a person could commit. That isn't what being a Christian is about. Being a Christian is about understanding that no matter how hard I try, I am never going to be able to live a life without sin in it. The only way for me to be without sin is by accepting the forgiveness Christ offered by dying on the cross, by completely accepting that I can't do this without him. It comes by daily, sometimes hourly or by the minute, putting down my desires and seeking God to instead give me his.
I think by writing this I want to remind myself, as well as whoever may read it, we are the face of grace here in this world. What do our faces look like? What reason are we giving people to pick up a Bible and want to know that gift of grace? Why would anyone want to be part of Christianity that they see as judging and hating them? Satan is the accuser, but he has turned the hands and feet of Christ in this world into the fingers pointing and mocking.
What we need to be mad at is that we have somehow had our salvation twisted to be the very thing that keeps others from knowing God. And for what? So we can be right? So we can prove exactly what sins someone is or isn't committing by clearly pointing it out in whatever translation of the Bible we think would be the most effective?
It is not our job to convict someone's heart. When we try it turns to judgment and hatred. God is the only one who can convict, and he does it gently. He meets each person where they are and lovingly corrects them in a way we are not capable of.
I am guilty. I say mean, cruel and judgmental things and try to use the excuse that it's not wrong because clearly, it's sin. It's not my place to do that. My job is to worry about the sin God is gently guiding me through in my life. My job is to steer clear of the things God has corrected in me or shown me in his word.
My biggest job, however, is to love. It is to show grace and kindness to others, whether Christians or not. My job is to pray that I can somehow show Jesus love physically to people who have not seen it, so then they can have a desire to know him.
The really awesome thing is the grace God gave me is so exciting, so awesome and appealing that it is impossible to ignore when I shut up and really seek him to do the speaking, whether actual talking, or through my actions.
What does that all mean? For me it means stopping myself when I get irritated in line at the store. Instead of getting angry, show compassion to that cashier. It means giving that waitress who gave me poor service a great tip. It means telling her I appreciate the job she did serving me. It means holding doors, smiling, speaking kind things even when I want to criticize. Showing kindness and love to someone isn't hard. Maybe that means stopping and having a conversation with the worker that I just realized is a guy instead of a girl. Other times I may have walked by and then stopped and laughed and pointed it out to whoever was with me. Showing love is sometimes just as simple as shutting my mouth and listening, really listening to someone. It's acknowledging people, that they have worth and it can be done in many small gestures.
Every person I meet every day is a sinner. The one I need to be the most worried about is the one I see in the mirror, first thing in the morning every day. When I forget the mess I am without Christ and I start thinking I have it all together, I waste the gift he gave me. I am a big fat sinner and always will be while I'm here on this earth. I pray God corrects me every time I start to forget that.
I love God. I love his word, the Bible. I hate sin. Sin is clearly spelled out in the Bible. I could probably fill pages and pages with possible sins a person could commit. That isn't what being a Christian is about. Being a Christian is about understanding that no matter how hard I try, I am never going to be able to live a life without sin in it. The only way for me to be without sin is by accepting the forgiveness Christ offered by dying on the cross, by completely accepting that I can't do this without him. It comes by daily, sometimes hourly or by the minute, putting down my desires and seeking God to instead give me his.
I think by writing this I want to remind myself, as well as whoever may read it, we are the face of grace here in this world. What do our faces look like? What reason are we giving people to pick up a Bible and want to know that gift of grace? Why would anyone want to be part of Christianity that they see as judging and hating them? Satan is the accuser, but he has turned the hands and feet of Christ in this world into the fingers pointing and mocking.
What we need to be mad at is that we have somehow had our salvation twisted to be the very thing that keeps others from knowing God. And for what? So we can be right? So we can prove exactly what sins someone is or isn't committing by clearly pointing it out in whatever translation of the Bible we think would be the most effective?
It is not our job to convict someone's heart. When we try it turns to judgment and hatred. God is the only one who can convict, and he does it gently. He meets each person where they are and lovingly corrects them in a way we are not capable of.
I am guilty. I say mean, cruel and judgmental things and try to use the excuse that it's not wrong because clearly, it's sin. It's not my place to do that. My job is to worry about the sin God is gently guiding me through in my life. My job is to steer clear of the things God has corrected in me or shown me in his word.
My biggest job, however, is to love. It is to show grace and kindness to others, whether Christians or not. My job is to pray that I can somehow show Jesus love physically to people who have not seen it, so then they can have a desire to know him.
The really awesome thing is the grace God gave me is so exciting, so awesome and appealing that it is impossible to ignore when I shut up and really seek him to do the speaking, whether actual talking, or through my actions.
What does that all mean? For me it means stopping myself when I get irritated in line at the store. Instead of getting angry, show compassion to that cashier. It means giving that waitress who gave me poor service a great tip. It means telling her I appreciate the job she did serving me. It means holding doors, smiling, speaking kind things even when I want to criticize. Showing kindness and love to someone isn't hard. Maybe that means stopping and having a conversation with the worker that I just realized is a guy instead of a girl. Other times I may have walked by and then stopped and laughed and pointed it out to whoever was with me. Showing love is sometimes just as simple as shutting my mouth and listening, really listening to someone. It's acknowledging people, that they have worth and it can be done in many small gestures.
Every person I meet every day is a sinner. The one I need to be the most worried about is the one I see in the mirror, first thing in the morning every day. When I forget the mess I am without Christ and I start thinking I have it all together, I waste the gift he gave me. I am a big fat sinner and always will be while I'm here on this earth. I pray God corrects me every time I start to forget that.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
That Dicey December of 1994
Lately I've been feeling a rush of thankfulness for people who have changed my life. The emotions just start to rise up in my heart, leaving me feeling like I'm going to pop. I need to share this, to let it gush out, sort of like one of those volcano's I made in school with baking soda and vinegar.
This is in honor of my sister, Jana. Many know our story, but some of you don't, so I'll start at the very beginning.
As a very young child, I remember laying in bed, praying to Jesus that he would give me a little sister. I knew a younger sister would make my life complete. I remember being so disappointed the longer I went without seeing that prayer answered. As I grew older, my prayer seemed silly to me. I mean, come on, like God was really going to give a little girl a baby sister just because she asked?? I knew it was a silly dream, a silly thing to ask of God.
Well, nineteen years ago this month God delivered my baby sister to me.
I had recently returned from Teen Challenge. Sometimes I would be called on to go talk to a teenager who was out of control. The goal was to try to get them into some type of rehab program. On a cold and snowy December morning in 1994, one such call came. It was cold, I had just finished working an overnight shift at my job. The last thing I wanted to do was to go try to persuade a belligerent teen to get some help. I begrudgingly packed up my arsenal of photo's I carried to help sell the cause and drug myself down to the juvenile detention house. There I met a 15 year old that was about as warm as a polar ice cap. She sat stiffly listening to what I was saying. There was absolutely no indication that I was doing anything to persuade her, I could just feel this stubborn kid cussing me out in her head. I gave her my regular speech with only half of my heart, this was pointless.
Later I found out she was being released and was moving into my parents house. She had decided that she was going to go to Teen Challenge. I was more than a little surprised because of the way she had reacted during my sales pitch. She left for Teen Challenge a few months later. She did really well there, and God completely changed her. I remember not knowing how to feel when she would introduce me as her sister. It felt fake, like something needy or insecure people do to try to make themselves feel part of something. I wanted to claim her, but I held back because I didn't want to accept her as my sister and then have her reject that relationship later. That didn't change for quite a while.
Twelve years ago God really started cementing our relationship. Sometime during that time I suddenly saw exactly what happened. All those years ago when I said those silly little girl prayers, pleading for a baby sister, God said yes. God said yes, but we had to keep walking until the right time for him to bring our paths together.
When God made my little sister and I he cut us out of the same fabric. We don't share any DNA physically, but spiritually we are blood. We are different in a lot of ways, like any sisters, but when people meet us they never think we aren't actual sisters. We look alike, we talk alike, we are passionate about all of the same things. We finish each others sentences. Sometimes our kids are mistaken for siblings. In every way possible, God has woven us together as family.
Now to the sappy stuff.
Jana builds me up. She loves me when I'm not loveable. She tells me the truth, even when I hang up on her after she does. Jana knows how I'm feeling without me having to say the words. When I rejoice, she joins me in the party. When my world falls apart she climbs in the pit with me and hugs me. She forces me to be a better person. She always turns me back to Christ. I wouldn't be half of the person that I am if I didn't have her in my life. She is the wisest person I know.
That cold December morning in 1994 changed my life. I thank God I went to meet that stubborn kid. God answers our prayers sometimes in the most unlikely place, with the most unlikely people and in the most unlikely ways.
This is in honor of my sister, Jana. Many know our story, but some of you don't, so I'll start at the very beginning.
As a very young child, I remember laying in bed, praying to Jesus that he would give me a little sister. I knew a younger sister would make my life complete. I remember being so disappointed the longer I went without seeing that prayer answered. As I grew older, my prayer seemed silly to me. I mean, come on, like God was really going to give a little girl a baby sister just because she asked?? I knew it was a silly dream, a silly thing to ask of God.
Well, nineteen years ago this month God delivered my baby sister to me.
I had recently returned from Teen Challenge. Sometimes I would be called on to go talk to a teenager who was out of control. The goal was to try to get them into some type of rehab program. On a cold and snowy December morning in 1994, one such call came. It was cold, I had just finished working an overnight shift at my job. The last thing I wanted to do was to go try to persuade a belligerent teen to get some help. I begrudgingly packed up my arsenal of photo's I carried to help sell the cause and drug myself down to the juvenile detention house. There I met a 15 year old that was about as warm as a polar ice cap. She sat stiffly listening to what I was saying. There was absolutely no indication that I was doing anything to persuade her, I could just feel this stubborn kid cussing me out in her head. I gave her my regular speech with only half of my heart, this was pointless.
Later I found out she was being released and was moving into my parents house. She had decided that she was going to go to Teen Challenge. I was more than a little surprised because of the way she had reacted during my sales pitch. She left for Teen Challenge a few months later. She did really well there, and God completely changed her. I remember not knowing how to feel when she would introduce me as her sister. It felt fake, like something needy or insecure people do to try to make themselves feel part of something. I wanted to claim her, but I held back because I didn't want to accept her as my sister and then have her reject that relationship later. That didn't change for quite a while.
Twelve years ago God really started cementing our relationship. Sometime during that time I suddenly saw exactly what happened. All those years ago when I said those silly little girl prayers, pleading for a baby sister, God said yes. God said yes, but we had to keep walking until the right time for him to bring our paths together.
When God made my little sister and I he cut us out of the same fabric. We don't share any DNA physically, but spiritually we are blood. We are different in a lot of ways, like any sisters, but when people meet us they never think we aren't actual sisters. We look alike, we talk alike, we are passionate about all of the same things. We finish each others sentences. Sometimes our kids are mistaken for siblings. In every way possible, God has woven us together as family.
Now to the sappy stuff.
Jana builds me up. She loves me when I'm not loveable. She tells me the truth, even when I hang up on her after she does. Jana knows how I'm feeling without me having to say the words. When I rejoice, she joins me in the party. When my world falls apart she climbs in the pit with me and hugs me. She forces me to be a better person. She always turns me back to Christ. I wouldn't be half of the person that I am if I didn't have her in my life. She is the wisest person I know.
That cold December morning in 1994 changed my life. I thank God I went to meet that stubborn kid. God answers our prayers sometimes in the most unlikely place, with the most unlikely people and in the most unlikely ways.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
My Unchained Melanie
I've been planning on writing this for quite some time. I want to share the story of an unruly wild woman who changed my life. Her name is Melanie, or for those who love her, "Mel Mel".
Melanie has always marched to her own beat. When I say that, I mean it quite literally. When she sings, plays drums or guitar it was literally at a different beat than anyone else. She was completely off tempo and out of tune but was mesmerizing. At first I thought I couldn't tear myself away because it was like watching a train wreck, but as time went on it became clear that it was something else completely that had me transfixed. When Mel was "making her joyful noises" something awesome happened to her face. She just glowed. This was a woman who was overflowing with joy, praising God in a way I had never seen. She didn't seem to have any clue that music wasn't a natural gift, she didn't care. She was going to praise God.
Melanie also had an unconventional look. She always had her hair in a mullet, business in the front, party in the back. Many of Mel's clothes were things she delightfully found on the beach. I remember walking the beaches with her as a 16 year old girl. I wanted to walk back a ways because of embarrassment. Mel didn't just walk the beach, she marched it, singing out of tune and praying out loud sometimes stopping and laughing at something God was revealing to her. At the time I was afraid people would see I was with this woman who looked like a crazy homeless person. Mel did not care in the least what anyone else thought, she was praising God.
Mel had frequent migraines, and still does. I remember her calling me to her room. It was totally black and she was laying in the bed, whispering and tensing from the pain. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her head and said, "Pray for me Chessa. I need you to pray for me." I felt so incapable of praying anything that could possibly help her. She even fed me the words to pray. Over time she taught me how to pray, to pray with faith and urgency.
Melanie is the one I went to when I completely messed up. There was a time that I had done the worst possible thing I could imagine. I was so scared to tell her, I just knew she was going to be so angry and I was going to be in so much trouble. When I finally managed the courage to get the story out, what happened baffled me. She started sobbing. She didn't yell or accuse me, she just cried. She was crying because she hurt for me. She was crying because of the pain I was in and that I came to her with it. I had never experienced something like this.
The lessons I have taken from this God given mother are more than I can write.
Melanie taught me to pray. She taught me to love God with abandon. She gave me a glimpse of the pain God feels for me when I make mistakes, not the fire and brimstone God I grew up believing in.
Mel showed me what love looks like.
The most important thing she taught me took a long time for me to recognize, however.
2 Cor 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
In Melanie I learned that God really can take our brokenness to show his power. If Melanie had been a terrific musician, I wouldn't have seen that joy and abandon she found praising God. I wouldn't have experienced just how lost a person could get just experiencing God.
If Mel had been perfectly dressed with her hair always styled just right, I wouldn't have found her approachable. She would have intimidated me. Because she was a mess I felt safe sharing my messes with her. I knew she would receive me, she wouldn't judge me.
Many of the parts of Melanie that really influenced my life were the parts that were weak or broken. They were the things that we so often look at as our failures. In her flaws and inabilities God showed me his face.
My lesson from Melanie is that while God blesses us all with gifts and skills, sometimes it's our lack of skill that is the most effective if we are willing to just serve him with it anyway. When we stop holding back self consciously and allow people to see all of us, even the ugly spots, God is able to use us for his glory, more gloriously than anything we can do with natural skill and grace. It is in our weakness, our clumsiness, our messiness and our downright dirty spots that he can show his strength.
I love you Mel Mel.
Melanie has always marched to her own beat. When I say that, I mean it quite literally. When she sings, plays drums or guitar it was literally at a different beat than anyone else. She was completely off tempo and out of tune but was mesmerizing. At first I thought I couldn't tear myself away because it was like watching a train wreck, but as time went on it became clear that it was something else completely that had me transfixed. When Mel was "making her joyful noises" something awesome happened to her face. She just glowed. This was a woman who was overflowing with joy, praising God in a way I had never seen. She didn't seem to have any clue that music wasn't a natural gift, she didn't care. She was going to praise God.
Melanie also had an unconventional look. She always had her hair in a mullet, business in the front, party in the back. Many of Mel's clothes were things she delightfully found on the beach. I remember walking the beaches with her as a 16 year old girl. I wanted to walk back a ways because of embarrassment. Mel didn't just walk the beach, she marched it, singing out of tune and praying out loud sometimes stopping and laughing at something God was revealing to her. At the time I was afraid people would see I was with this woman who looked like a crazy homeless person. Mel did not care in the least what anyone else thought, she was praising God.
Mel had frequent migraines, and still does. I remember her calling me to her room. It was totally black and she was laying in the bed, whispering and tensing from the pain. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her head and said, "Pray for me Chessa. I need you to pray for me." I felt so incapable of praying anything that could possibly help her. She even fed me the words to pray. Over time she taught me how to pray, to pray with faith and urgency.
Melanie is the one I went to when I completely messed up. There was a time that I had done the worst possible thing I could imagine. I was so scared to tell her, I just knew she was going to be so angry and I was going to be in so much trouble. When I finally managed the courage to get the story out, what happened baffled me. She started sobbing. She didn't yell or accuse me, she just cried. She was crying because she hurt for me. She was crying because of the pain I was in and that I came to her with it. I had never experienced something like this.
The lessons I have taken from this God given mother are more than I can write.
Melanie taught me to pray. She taught me to love God with abandon. She gave me a glimpse of the pain God feels for me when I make mistakes, not the fire and brimstone God I grew up believing in.
Mel showed me what love looks like.
The most important thing she taught me took a long time for me to recognize, however.
2 Cor 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
In Melanie I learned that God really can take our brokenness to show his power. If Melanie had been a terrific musician, I wouldn't have seen that joy and abandon she found praising God. I wouldn't have experienced just how lost a person could get just experiencing God.
If Mel had been perfectly dressed with her hair always styled just right, I wouldn't have found her approachable. She would have intimidated me. Because she was a mess I felt safe sharing my messes with her. I knew she would receive me, she wouldn't judge me.
Many of the parts of Melanie that really influenced my life were the parts that were weak or broken. They were the things that we so often look at as our failures. In her flaws and inabilities God showed me his face.
My lesson from Melanie is that while God blesses us all with gifts and skills, sometimes it's our lack of skill that is the most effective if we are willing to just serve him with it anyway. When we stop holding back self consciously and allow people to see all of us, even the ugly spots, God is able to use us for his glory, more gloriously than anything we can do with natural skill and grace. It is in our weakness, our clumsiness, our messiness and our downright dirty spots that he can show his strength.
I love you Mel Mel.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
My Great Grandma's story
In the little town of Moddergat, near the North Sea, in the
province of Friesland, Wiltje Hoekstra worked for a farmer plowing fields. It was a crowded country, wet and cold most
of the year. William (Wiltje) and
Johanna had borne 12 children, including 3 sets of twins. Four of the children had died, Katie's twin,
John's twin and a small baby six months old, also 14 year old Eelkje
(Ida). It was a hard life, hard to find
enough food to go around the big table.
The women sold fish when the fishermen came home from the sea to help
out, but it was never enough..
So, Wiltje and Beppe (Johanna) decided it was time to go to
America where the land was cheap and there was lots of it..
They would go where some friends had already settled, the
Fishers and Woltjers in Clara City, Minnesota.
(The Fishers could be related to Johanna's maternal grand parent, Jeltje
Visser). It was decided that Pakka would
take the three older children and find a place to live, and mother would follow
later with the rest of the family. So he
left with Hendrik (Henry), Fobbe and Hielkje.
Henry's twin brother Klaas would stay behind and look after mother and
the younger children. Also, of course,
Klaas's sweetheart was there and he wanted to get married..
Wiltje and his children went to Clara City near their
friends and worked until they could buy some land. The children also found work wherever they
could, farming and keeping house..
One year later, Beppe came with Jeltje, Trijntje (Katie),
Detje (Deddie) and Jan (John). Klaas
couldn't persuade his bride to leave, so they stayed there..(At that time) in a
big sailboat, it took two weeks to get across the water. They were all sick except Jeltje, who managed
to get tea from the boat captain for the family..
They landed on Halifax Island and were taken to a high
building where they could look down at
all the little people and houses. It was
like Fairyland to little Deddie, age 4 and little John. Soon they were placed on a train headed for
Minnesota. They didn't have any food and
hardly any money, and couldn't speak English - What an experience! At one place, Beppe spotted an outdoor
fruitstand near the train tracks and sent Jeltje to buy some oranges to
eat. Beppe stood with one foot in the
train and one foot on the ground to be sure the train wouldn't go until Jeltje
was safely back onboard..
Deddie had taken her little doll all the way from Holland to
America, the one rememberance of her home across the big sea. It rode all the way across America on the
train too - but when they got off the train at Clara City, in all the
confusion, it was left behind. That sad
little girl still remembers it, although she is now 95 years old. She had ten children to take it's place but
there is still an empty spot in her heart..
So they came to this wild country with the big men dressed
in bear skins, who frightened little Dutch girls. But it is remembered as a good time too, when
everyone helped each other, building a church together, spending whole days in
church on Sunday, including picnic food, and having coffee served by the
Eufrou. They learned to play
instruments, and sing and have fun together.
Although, Wiltje and Beppe's family must have not had a lot of
togetherness, with each trying to make a living as best they could..
When Pakka was 68 years old, he died suddenly in
February. They had lived here for 18
years and had aquired several farms.
They had moved to Bill and Eleanor's farm - a farm with a big slough, as
it is remembered. Beppe felt bad that
her oldest twin son, Klaas, was still in Holland and hadn't seen his father
since they had left Holland and before he died.
She asked Jeltje to go back to the old country to try to persuade him to
come to America. Jeltje had married by
then and three children, George, Bill and Frieda. Aunt Deddie stayed with them until Jeltje
returned. She finally had their consent
to travel with her to America if the relatives would send the money. It was sent and they all came to be united
that fall. (Sept 1911).
Uncle Klaas settled on the Clarence Brower farm, Nick and
Julia Douma on the (now) Bill Douma farm, Henry on Harvey's farm and John on
the home farm where Beppe continued to live with them for 5 years. Fobbie was on the Wn. F. farm. Deddie went to Crookston and Katie to Pease
with their husbands. Later, Hielkje and
Wietze De Vries, and Nick and Jeltje Douma built the store in Roseland and
Deddie and Harry Plowman lived on their farm..
*This history was created from notes taken during a conversation
with Deddie, age 95 - the last living Hoekstra child of Wiltje and Johanna
Hoekstra - in the year 1984.
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